Bob Shea on Pizza for Birds
As a picture book author, I avoid using myself or my family as inspiration. It seems a bit contrived and obvious. I’m also completely out of other ideas, so my two picture books Chez Bob and Pizza for Birds feature me and my son. There are some differences between the real people and the page, but probably not enough to maintain a façade of integrity. You be the judge.
In Chez Bob, a lazy alligator named Bob wants an easy way to eat birds, so he opens a birdseed restaurant on his nose to lure them in. The surrounding forest gentrifies around the new restaurant, and instead of Bob eating the birds, they all become friends. If it were a European picture book, Bob would end up with a belly full of birds.
Pizza for Birds begins when a cool, young alligator named Ryan arrives, delivering pizza on his trick bike and throwing cool music parties. Overcome by jealousy, Bob tries driving the young upstart away with a barrage of bad reviews from fake bird accounts on the “internest”. Pretty smart, right? Bad news: the smart plan backfires, and the birds ostracize Bob.
I know what you are thinking, “Bob is an alligator. Why doesn’t he just eat the other alligator? Problem solved.”
That’s a good idea, but the other alligator is wearing a shirt and might have something metal in his pocket. Don’t worry; it all works out in the end. I forget how.
My son Ryan inspired the young alligator in Pizza for Birds. Real Ryan is a twenty-year-old college junior. Like real Ryan, “Chez Ryan” is kind, talented, and has an impeccable personal style. I inspired “Chez Bob”, so he is petty, vindictive, and reacts impulsively to the distorted narratives of his delicate ego.
The Ryans and the Bobs have many other similarities and differences.
Chez Bob is self-employed. Bob Shea is self-employed. They both must purchase health insurance on the open market.
Chez Ryan is a musician. Ryan Shea is a musician. They both must purchase health insurance on the open market but probably don’t.
Chez Ryan rides a trick bike. Ryan Shea rides a skateboard. They both could use health insurance.
Chez Ryan makes pizza. Ryan Shea eats pizza.
Chez Bob makes birdseed. Bob Shea makes pizza, chocolate chip cookies, brownies and is excited to try his hand at Basque cheesecake. Bob Shea is prediabetic. Chez Bob is not.
Chez Bob was a bad digital citizen, felt remorse for his actions, and apologized for the harm he caused. Bob Shea tries to be kind as he recognizes all living things as part of a shared consciousness. He also thinks apologizing is for chumps, so there’s that.
Chez Bob throws himself a pity party in a filthy robe with sad music, salty snacks, and tubs of ice cream. Bob Shea does not own a robe.
Chez Ryan flips out and yells at Chez Bob for the trouble he caused. Ryan Shea would never yell at me because he knows I’m a big, sensitive baby.
Bob Shea looks dumpy in his old, shapeless flannel shirts. Ryan Shea makes the same garments come alive using his broad shoulders, six-foot-two-inch frame, and youth.
At the end of Pizza for Birds, Chez Bob and Chez Ryan avoid art school. Bob Shea went to art school, and Ryan Shea is attending art school, but the music kind.
Chez Bob was jealous of Chez Ryan and wanted him to go away. I am incredibly proud of Ryan Shea and overjoyed anytime he comes home.
Chez Bob, Bob Shea, Chez Ryan, and Ryan Shea do not like sappy endings.
